Bad Religion

by Chris Nieratko photo by Rick Kosick

After all these years do you guys still think religion is bad?
No, it's really good. I'm a devout Pentacostal now. I'm a snake handler.

Do you think juggling is bad?
Juggling two things is bad, three and up is good.

Why didn't you call the band "Bad Juggling Two Things"? 
Well, because we're all really good jugglers.

Do you think rape is bad?
Yeah.

How come you didn't call it "Bad Rape"? 
There's no such thing as a "bad rape." No, it's just not even an issue. That's a really un-funny topic.

Since you have a college professor in the band, are you guys like the smartest punk band ever?
Yes and no. We're five guys. So we're two and a half percent the smartest band in the world.

Who do you think's smarter than you? The Misfits?
Yeah, Jerry Only's smarter than me. He's bigger than me.

Does your singer ever hang fliers in the classrooms on campus for your shows?
Um, no. He doesn't go to school anymore.

Does he write all the songs?
Yeah.

How come he writes the same song over and over again?
It's stuck in his head.

Have you ever taken a shit and forgot to wipe your ass and then went jogging?
Yeah when I was like five.

Yeah? Did that suck?
No, I just got a big butt rash.

Are you gonna do an album with Eminem?
No, our next record is with Moby.

Do you like Moby?
No.

Why?
I don't know Moby.

Why?
I didn't ask him.

Why?
Last time I talked to him I just pretended I didn't know who he was.

Why?
'Cause it bugged him.

Why?
He's a vegetarian.

Why?
He's got a good record.

Why?
I don't know, I haven't figured that one out yet.

Since we're in a beauty salon, have you ever put a hot curling iron up your butt?
Yeah, but I advise everyone to unplug it first. You want warm, not sizzling hot.

Why not?
'Cause it hurts.

Why?
I didn't have Band-aid. I feel like I'm being interviewed by my three-year-old daughter?

You have a three-year-old daughter?
Yeah.

Why?
'Cause I had sex.

Was this your best interview ever?
No.