Neighbors, nobody loves you like we do.
Neighbors, your government has triumphed in finally making you a public fit for the 21st century.
Never before has a governing body shown so much concern for the economic well-being of its subjects.
Today we have insulated you from countless factions who threathen your financial viability such as the poor; the idealistic foreigners still clinging to their childish notions of social welfare.
Why, you're even kept uninformed of useless propagandist journalism that reports alleged violations of human rights (We all know they wouldn't have been punished if they hadn't been doing something wrong!).
And who better to dispense such blantantly evident factoids but a self-appointed authority like myself?
Acid rain is a thing of the past...
Too many possible causes, too little signifigance for our modern thinking public, besides, industrial manufacturing is at an all time low anyway, who needs those narrow minded laborers.
Too many mouths to feed, and to many burden on the pay roll!
Who needs 'em here in the land of the free time?
Some other ass-backward country will give us what we need by exploiting its uneducated children anyway.
The Internet has expanded our ability to pacify average Americans better than ever by offering fantastical adventures to every corner of the imagination.
Your home office is the window to your world and the heart of your social life.
Such reclusive behavior helps clear the roads and public works from overburden like the lower middle-class and others who depend shamelessly on their government.
Today you are freer than ever to do what you want, provided you can pay for it!
Remember, the first word in USA is US.
We have arrived, neighbors, we are the privileged elite!